Last night a friend of mine invited me to Swagger, a gay event for dancing fun times and drinking among other homosexual related things.Tonight Adore Delano, from Ru Pauls Drag Race fame was there. I was excited to see a fellow performer rocking the stage in my home town.
The night started off like any other, fun times were had. I confessed to my friend before entering that I was slightly nervous because I have this fear when I am surrounded by gays. I am a naturally confident person when it comes to life, well I try to be anyway, but when there are gays around I feel 2 feet tall.
Now we got into the club the party was a pumping and my friends and I were dancing and laughing having a great time. Adore Delano did her 2 sets, which we all rocked out to. She did an amazing job. After her gig the stage was bare.
One very confident girl got on there and started twerking. At which point we all thought the security would bounce her off the stage. This didn’t happen in fact more people got on the stage and expressed themselves in the most amazing ways.
The natural performer in me saw this opportunity to shine and the ‘keeping up with the Jones’ thought sprung to mind but I was happy dancing like the whore I am on the dance floor with my friends.
At this moment my friends, who are also performers in their own right, encouraged me to ‘get my ass up there’. Now who am I to refuse a friends suggestion to entertain the masses. I replied ‘I am just waiting for a killer song’. It happened the next song was something that got my legs moving to the stage.
I got up and danced with the group that already occupied the stage. It was freeing. There is nothing I like more than dancing and entertaining. After about 2 or 3 songs the stage started to empty. The amateurs made way for the professionals. All that was left was a random girl, my mate and I on the stage. This gave all 3 of us the chance to bust out the big moves. I felt so alive!
It was at this moment on I noticed the faggot on the dance floor. Now I know many of you reading this may hate the term faggot. I also hate the word and this is why I use it to describe this guy.
let me explain:
As we are dancing I am scanning the crowd and I notice a guy that I follow on Instagram. He and I have mutual friends as I have seen him occasionally on my Facebook news feed tagged in post with mutual friends of ours.
Now he I thought, but the perception has changed, was cute so my eyes would dart back to him while I was dancing. It was in this moment I saw him pointing at me and talking to his friends and laughing. If it was a smile I would have been sure about this than a laugh. He made me feel like I was a part of a freak show, but it didn’t stop me in fact it made me want to dance harder.
Then he got out his phone, as many do in today’s world, and took a photo of me dancing. Presumably to show friends ‘Hey look at this retard I saw dancing on stage’.
This saddens me to think that people have to do this in the world. They feel the need to belittle and degrade people. This exact reason was why I was initially fearful of going to a gay event. I feared the judgement that gay people seem to have in spades.
So Many people today, and this happens in the straight community as well, go out and ‘party’ with the expectation that an Instagram selfie is a requirement and we ‘MUST’ look our best. What I love about my friends is that we on occasion will take a photo or 2 on a night out but that is not going to stop us from making fools of ourselves. We go out to have fun and experience the moment not look like plastic dolls and post photos on the internet for the world to see.
So to that faggot who judged me and took a photo of me to laugh at with friends I say to you
Take risks, Be unique and don’t follow the crowd. Get up and dance, Make a fool of yourself it is freeing. If this is not your style that is fine but FUCK YOU for judging someone who wants to enjoy their life.
I had the confidence to get up and dance on a stage. I put myself out there. What did you do? stay in the crowd with your friends pointing and jeering.
First off I should say that I have been unwell for the last week. Stomach and chest pains are awesome. So I have been home bound for most of the last few weeks. But making the odd outing for a couple of hours.
I have been thinking with my brain box, which is never wise for me, about how alone I am in the world. Firstly I should mention this is not a cry for attention or a plea for reassurance.
My loneliness comes in 2 tiers the first of which relates to my love life. Over the course of my adult life I have let’s say ‘entertained guests’ but sadly no one has lasted the distance. That’s right I have never been in a relationship. SHOCK GASP AHHH I know many of you will be thinking ‘but you are so amazing wayne’ or ‘don’t worry you will find someone when the time is right’ both of these I am well aware of so thanks. some of you may also be like ‘well you are fat’ or ‘you dress like a homeless person’ and to those of you who say this I understand your position and agree with you also. As a result I am filled with conflicting emotions relating to my self worth. Will I find love? Well I am not going to wait by the phone hoping they will call. I am not going to put my life on hold for someone to say. I love you Wayne!
The second tier to my loneliness is in relation to my friendships. Over the course of my life I have made some truly amazing and unique friends whom I love for their individuality. If you are reading this I will assume you are one such friend. So I thank you for reading.
I have always been a social creature as well many of you will know. I thrive in social situations, and yet, recently and in the past I have felt unwanted. Now I know you might be thinking ‘C’mon Wayne you are awesome I love hanging out with you’. I’d agree with you I have the ability to be fun/serious when the mood calls for it. Yet thanks to my facebook news feed I see people I would consider friends at social gatherings I thought I would be a part of. It is had to reconcile the fact that you like me but not enough to invite me to things. Now I know this can be a result of my insecurities as well as the fact that friendships grow and adapt as time progresses. nevertheless it still hurts to see people I love having fun without me when I assume I would be invited.
Also in the past and recently I often do the ‘self invite’ where I overhear friends discussing a planned outing and I, all casual like, invite myself along to the event. Usually friends will be like ‘sure idiot come along’ but i still get the feeling I am unwanted.
Even today my lack of confidence when it comes to friendships is low. I have a emotional wall I raise to protect me from the pain. I sometimes see friends being closer friends with eachother. This upsets me because I want to be a part of that closer friendship but then I realise that I can’t force a friendship and what they have is something unique.
Standing alone or in a crowd I sometimes want to cry out loud. I always fear my friends and peers. fuck this loneliness, this anxiety, this depression I crave for a happier dimension.
Who has the clap
Channelling my inner #chenoworth